Domestic abuse side effects – for more information on what is Domestic abuse, see here…
I have had the misfortune to experience this a few times in my life, and yes, I can see the “pattern”, but no, that doesn’t mean I deserved it, or asked for it. Ask my first Husband. My only ‘crime’ was seeing the best in other people and the scary fact that if a Man has ill intent towards you, he WILL hide it… until it’s too late. Every single one of my Charming suitors was lovely in the first 3-6 months. Without exception. It wasn’t until later they showed their true colours and the signs of Domestic Abuse.
That’s what makes you so crazy, as you know if they WANT too (i.e. they have a vested interest) they CAN be charm personified. Your ‘dream man’ in fact. Beware the man who keeps turning the subject back to you in the early heady days of dating – it may seem like he is just massively interested in you, but really he is just trying to suss you out, what you want and need to hear, in order for him to be able to manipulate you (if I had a pound for every time I’ve heard “but lets talk about you, your faaaarrrr more interesting – I would have no mortgage!). Yes, I do realise I sound like a bitter old shrew – but I’m not. Think of a man you know who is respectful to his Woman. Does he seem like he would have ONLY wanted to talk about her, or if he was sane, surely he would also have wanted to put his feelings forward, to make sure she was going to meet HIS needs too? Now you’re getting it. A normal man wants to know about you, for sure, but not to manipulate you or use it against you, but to see if you are a good match for HIM! In a healthy relationship, there is give and take. In an abusive relationship, in the beginning the man does NOTHING but GIVE. After 3-6 months until you die/leave, he does nothing but TAKE. I know.
DOMESTIC ABUSE SIDE EFFECTS
Pretty much everyone who REALLY knows anything about Domestic abuse (or any kind of abuse to be fair) knows that it makes you think of killing yourself fairly regularly. That’s not good, but it is normal. After all, logically, if you’re not here, they can’t hurt you anymore. What most people don’t know, or wont admit to, is that MOST people who are repeatedly systematically abused, with no compassion, empathy or respect for their basic human rights, will eventually, just out of sheer survival mode, be reduced to having detailed thoughts of killing the perpetrator. After all logically, if they aren’t here anymore, they can’t KILL YOU. And when you are being abused, believe me, they are KILLING you, a little bit at a time, tiny enough that it is socially acceptable, but Soul death none the less. You can get to a point where that feels like a mercy killing – not for you, but for the rest of the world. For Humanity. For nice people everywhere who believe in true love. For any future women. For your Children. I get that, and if you don’t, you’ve never been abused. That doesn’t just apply to the ‘typical’ boy meets girl situation, that can also apply to seriously crazy parenting, and often seriously crazy in laws – basically anyone you feel you can’t safely escape from that is doing you massive harm.
Now we’ve got that cleared up, back to the side effects of Domestic Abuse.
1. Cant go to sleep/stay asleep. Waking around 3-4 am is typical of Depression. Especially so if you are suffering from Domestic abuse, this is one of the leading side effects. You can’t lie to your own head when you are asleep! If your being abused, there would be something wrong with you if you WEREN’T having trouble sleeping, lets face it!
2. Waking up with screaming nightmares – this is more likely once he’s moved out and your mind (which you try desperately to “keep busy” in the day is trying to frantically process it all at night). We are talking Tom & Jerry epiglottis showing sit bolt upright in bed NIGHTMARES here!
3. Withdrawal – you don’t feel yourself, you cba (can’t be arsed) and you are soooo tired its like you’ve contracted a terrible disease… you have – a fucked up cruel man.
4. If you still have any friends left (well done, that is unusual!) when you are with them you have to make super human efforts to be half the woman you used to be. If you are foolish or desperate enough (usually the latter) to try to discuss how the Domestic abuse is affecting you with them – God bless your soul – expect everyone to look at you like you are a complete fuck wit for not leaving him already. They aren’t experienced enough (luckily) to know that leaving an abusive relationship is TOTALLY different from leaving a normal “oh what a shame, oh dear, never mind, ooh he’s nice!” type relationship. They don’t realise this person you loved, were going to potentially marry, raise his Children, has turned into a complete psychopath, to the extent that if it were a film they wouldn’t watch it as it would be too ‘bad”. But that is your day to day reality. Why don’t you leave? Are you kidding? Because I don’t know if he will kill me or not. And I don’t want to die… and the guy DELIBERATELY makes you unsure of just how far he would go, just to keep you there… for more on why women don’t leave immediately upon first realising they are being abused, read more on why its hard to leave Domestic Abuse here…
5. You start thinking “if I knew anyone who sold Cocaine, I’d take it – I mean, it would have to be better than feeling like THIS!” Even if you are nearly 50.
6. If you aren’t traumatised or too vain for self harm, this may enter your life. Don’t do it, your worth more than that.
7. If that is too scary, excessive drinking and or drug taking may be the only thing that keeps you going…
8. Drug taking? How awful, those poor women? Taking whatever prescription drugs you can get your hands on? Don’t be so quick to judge… and don’t judge yourself. I understand your pain.
9. So you’ve finally plucked up the courage and told your Mum, friends etc? How was that then?! Did they comfort you, listen to you (without rolled eyes) make you feel the love and safety you so desperately need to hang on in there right now? Yeah, I didn’t think so. They don’t WANT to admit its real, that’s why. Try not to take it personally. They want it to be something they read on the news, not real life with someone they KNOW, ffs! And unless they have genuinely experienced the absolute soul destroying crazyness that the whole “love you so much/you fucking psycho bitch” head mess that does to you, they really won’t understand. Anymore than if you asked them to code a website and they’d never done it before in their lives. So when they say the painful “why don’t you just leave him then” (like your totally stupid and the thought never crossed their minds) you can’t really look them in face when you love them and scare them half to death by saying “because I don’t want to die!”. It’s just not polite dinner party conversation really, is it?! That’s your reality, they have no idea how bad it is or how unsure you are of how far he will go, but there is no point in scaring them half to death too is there, after all, you may not be one of the many women who do die or have their entire lives destroyed when they decide to leave. He may just destroy your reputation or try to take your home or Children away instead. Yay.
That’s a normal breakup then. Not.
10. You may just feel like opting out of life – forever. Don’t give that Bastard the satisfaction. And if you have Children, or Parents, or Friends, or a cat or dog, or even Fish. They need you. And if you don’t, go and buy a cat or fish or dog. You need a reason to fight back, to stay. And once you have it, and he’s just a bad memory, you will be SO glad you stayed, and got your Life back, and you didn’t let him win. You can not only survive, but thrive after Domestic Abuse.